Everyone that has experienced the pain of being alienated from their child knows that it feels as if your heart is being broken. I imagine that alienated children feel the same way. I know from first hand experience how many different feelings one can experience from PAS.
I will go into more details and background in future posts. Obviously there is a lot more to this story. However, for now, I am opening with the basic myriad of feelings PAS can arouse:
Confusion
At first I had no idea what was going on. My ex-husband (I will call him Fanatic) got a hold of my oldest son (I will call him Jay) before I got home from work one day and told him of our impending divorce without me. After that, I tried to hold discussions with my son regarding what was going on and I got aloof responses and diversion tactics. We were always able to speak very openly and honestly with each other in the past so I was confused. I now know that the process of alienation had already begun.
Frustration
Our time together after the separation became very difficult. Jay was in constant communication with Fanatic when he was visiting me. There were phone calls and texts. Fanatic would always ask if Jay was “alright” or “okay” which I found very weird. Jay would also act out and get his brothers (I will call them Cam and Dev) riled up. Cam and Dev are younger and stayed with me more often. Each visit seemed like I was a zoo keeper trying to just keep things under control.
Shock
As time went on, I was accused by Jay of “destroying the family”, “ruining Dad’s life”, “ruining his and his brothers’ lives” and much more. It became very apparent that these ideas were being planted by Fanatic. Jay would even quote exact lines to me that Fanatic said directly to me and act as if they were his own original thoughts.
Longing
After a short time, calls I made to Jay went unanswered. Texts were never responded to. He never called me. I would have to wait for any communication with him until my weekend with him. I had never been apart from any of my kids and it was so hard to learn to live without him/them in between.
Appalled
How could my son say that to me? Could he possibly feel like that? Where did my sweet and loving son go? Did he actually just scream at me and demand that from me? How could his father have told him such lies and WHY does he believe them???? Why are there two sets of rules…. one set for me and one set for his father? And why oh why won’t anything I say get through to him???
Cut to the core
In my wildest dreams, I never could have imagined those things coming out of his mouth and directed at me. He pushes it further with each visit. Screaming, demanding and now horribly insulting names and language. Is there any hope? Can I continue to treated like this by someone I love with all my heart and soul? Can I keep going back from more only to get cut to the core time and time again?
Hopelessness
How can I fight this? No matter what I say, he does not listen. Even when I thought I saw a spark of hope, after one day back with his father that spark was put out immediately. Will age bring realization to him one day or have I lost my son forever?
Determination
I will never give up.
Unconditional Love
I love you, every day, no matter what. I will be here for you whenever you might decide that you need me or want me back in your life. No questions asked, I will be here for you.
Hope
You have to have faith in God’s plan.
This is just the start of my PAS experience. I felt it would be best to get some of the emotions out first. What emotions have you felt and how have you dealt with them?