Based on the content analysis of interviews, the following conclusions have been developed, each of which is explored in the book Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking the Ties that Bind by Amy J.L. Baker, Ph.D.
3 Familial Patterns of Parental Alienation
Parental alienation manifested differently in each family; there was more than one Parental Alienation Syndrome “story.” In fact, three primary patterns of Parental Alienation Syndrome appeared to exist:
- narcissistic mothers in divorced families alienating children from the father;
- narcissistic mothers in intact families alienating the children from the father; and
- cold, rejecting, or abusive alienating parents of either gender — in intact or divorced families — alienating the children from the targeted parent.
Each of these patterns represents a flaw in the family system’s structure (despite most of the families being divorced, the two parents and child still represent a family system in that they continue to interact with and influence one another in significant ways [Goldsmith, 1982]). In other words, the three patterns reflect a significant breach in the “parental unit,” typically involving triangulation in which the child is asked to take on the parental role, making decisions or providing emotional support to the parent, or involving cross-generational alliances in which parents compete for the child’s attention and support (Minuchin, 1974). As a result, PAS can be considered a system type of structural family disorder.
Many Alienating Parents Seemed to Have Personality Disorders
Based on the descriptions provided, many of the alienating parents met the diagnostic criteria for a personality disorder, a pervasive and distorted relational style, such as narcissism, borderline, and antisocial personality.
Parental Alienation Co-Occurs with Other Forms of Child Maltreatment
The alienating parent physically and/or sexually abused many adult children of PAS. This finding is consistent with epidemiological research on the co-occurrence of various forms of abuse, which shows that parents who abuse their children in one way also abuse them in another.
Alienating Parents Function Like Cult Leaders
Parental alienation was committed by parents who used techniques similar to those used by cult leaders. Adult children described alienating parents as using emotional manipulation strategies such as withdrawing love, creating loyalty binds, and cultivating dependency. They were also accused of using brainwashing techniques such as repeating negative statements about the targeted parents and thinking in black-and-white terms.
Parental Alienation Strategies Disrupt the Attachment Between Child and Targeted Parent
The adult children of PAS described 32 different parental alienation strategies their parents used. These are examined through the lens of attachment theory as developed by John Bowlby (1969). Within this framework, the strategies are viewed as effective tools for interfering with the developing or existing attachment relationship between the child and the targeted parent.
Parental Alienation is a Form of Emotional Abuse
Parental alienation is a type of emotional abuse for at least two reasons. First, the alienating parents’ strategies for accomplishing the alienation are emotionally abusive in and of themselves. To put it another way, the alienating parents verbally abused, isolated, corrupted, rejected, terrorized, ignored, and over-pressured their children in order to alienate them from the targeted parent. These behaviors are all part of what constitutes child emotional abuse. Furthermore, it is proposed that separating a child from a parent constitutes emotional abuse.
Realization of Parental Alienation is a Process Not an Event
It was usually a slow and painful process for interviewees to realize that a parent or the other parent had turned against them. The realization did not occur in a single transformative event for the majority of adult children with PAS. It takes time to break through the defense mechanisms built to support alienation; they include denying that the alienating parent is selfish and manipulative, denying that the targeted parent has positive qualities, denying that the child wants a relationship with the targeted parent, and denying that the child is afraid of losing the alienating parent’s love. Although all of the adult children had realized that one parent had alienated them from the other, the length of time they had been alienated and the age at which they became aware varied. The time spent alienated ranged from 7 to 47 years, with a 20-year average.
The Impact of Parental Alienation is Life Long and May be Intergenerational
As adults, a sizable proportion struggled with depression, divorce, and substance abuse. They had trouble trusting others as well as themselves. Furthermore, several parents reported becoming estranged from their own children. There are three distinct patterns of PAS intergenerational transmission presented.
How the Targeted Parent Responds Makes a Difference
What did the targeted parents do to help their children realize they were being manipulated? What else could they have done to avoid or lessen the alienation?
* * * * *
To alienate the children from their targeted parents, thirty-two different strategies were used. Twelve of these strategies were detailed above. In the context of attachment theory, these strategies can be understood as contributing to the child believing that the targeted parent was unavailable and unsafe rather than an emotionally responsive and physically available attachment figure.
These alienating strategies worked together to give the child the following three-part message:
- The alienating parent is the only parent who cares,
- the alienating parent is needed in order for the child to feel safe and good about him- or herself,
- the targeted parent — who is dangerous and does not love the child anyway — must be disavowed in order to maintain the love and approval of the alienating parent. Boldly stated this way, the message resembles the message cult leaders convey to cult members.
Parental alienation appears to encompass a wide range of actions and behaviors. There was no single behavior that characterized the entire sample, and no alienating parent used only one strategy. Thus, Parental Alienation Syndrome can be achieved through a variety of strategies, and there is no single formula for doing so. This means that counteracting will be difficult because the targeted parent may not even be aware of all of the alienating parent’s strategies. Most alienating parents are likely to engage in bad-mouthing, but bad-mouthing alone may not be sufficient to effect alienation, and counter-bad-mouthing may not be sufficient to counter-alienation. As a result, parents who believe they are the targets of parental alienation should assume that the alienating parent employs a variety of strategies. In the absence of tested interventions for Parental Alienation Syndrome, it may be preferable for targeted parents (or parents who suspect they are being targeted) to address the alienating parent’s underlying goal rather than specific behaviors (which may be unknown and/or change over time). Rather than telling a child, “I believe your mother/father is saying negative things about me to you,” “That is not true,” the child may correctly respond. “I think your mother/father wants to come between us or make you feel unsafe/uncomfortable with me, or have you believe that you can only love one of us at a time,” it may make sense to say. If alienation is possible, such a statement is more likely to reflect reality than any statement about a specific strategy. To avoid the appearance of disparaging the alienating parent, which could backfire, a targeted parent might also consider telling the child, “I really want to be close with you and help you feel safe and good about yourself.” In this way, the targeted parent hopes to strengthen the attachment relationship without involving the alienating parent at all.
It is also important to remember that the list of strategies generated by adult children is limited by what the adult children of PAS can remember and what they understand to be the actions that led to the alienation. It is entirely possible that some of the alienating parents’ strategies were so subtle that the adult children were unaware of them. Baker and Darnall (2006) conducted a study in which targeted parents were surveyed about the strategies they believe the other parent is using in the service of parental alienation. While there was some overlap, some strategies were only known to the targeted parents.
* * * * *
There were 11 distinct pathways or catalysts for PAS adult children to recognize that one parent had alienated them from the targeted parent. In many cases, this resulted in reconciliation with the targeted parent and separation from the alienating parent. The majority of PAS adult children mentioned only one catalyst. However, it is more likely that a combination of factors was present. Their memory may not provide a complete picture of what caused them to realize they had been manipulated. The “good news” is that there are numerous paths to awareness and autonomy from manipulated alienation. Targeted parents who are currently estranged from their children can take heart from these stories, which show that alienation can be reversed in a variety of ways. The “bad news” is that it is unclear what specific steps must be taken to increase the likelihood of this process occurring. Some of these stories are so unique that definitive conclusions about how the process of becoming aware of alienation occurred are impossible to draw.
It is also worth noting that most adult children of PAS described the process as slow and painful, even though they were ultimately grateful to know the truth and have a more balanced understanding of their parents. They were relieved to have returned to the targeted parent and discovered that, for the most part, this parent was not the dangerous, unloving individual they had been led to believe. At the same time, becoming aware of the alienation increased the level of conflict in their relationship with the alienating parent. For some, this had already happened when that parent turned on them. Nonetheless, becoming aware of the alienation created a greater degree of separation and lack of shared reality with the alienating parent than had previously existed in their relationship. According to Alice Miller (1988), denying the truth allows one to avoid confronting a painful reality. Not knowing something is true results in a loss of self because one shuts off parts of one’s own thoughts and feelings that, if conscious, would lead to the realization. Miller believed that the body holds the truth and that pain occurs when the mind and the body disagreed. “If your cognitive system asserts the opposite of what the cells in your body unerringly identify as the truth, you will live in a permanent state of inner disorder,” Miller said (1988, p. 5). As a result, there was a palpable sigh of relief as the participants candidly described the shortcomings of the alienating parent, including the fact that this person had prioritized his/her own needs over the needs of his/her own children.
Amy J.L. Baker, Ph.D. is a research psychologist and Parental Alienation Syndrome, expert. This article has been edited and excerpted from Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking the Ties that Bind (WW Norton, April 2007). Dr. Baker is also the author of Beyond the High Road: Responding to 17 Parental Alienation Strategies without Compromising Your Morals or Harming Your Child. For more information, visit her website at www.amyjlbaker.com.